2:35 p.m. - 12.24.2002
Bulls on Parade
PRECOPULATORY PHASE: STAGE I
THE MYTH OF MALE SHYNESS
Some patients with narcissistic personalities present strong conscious feelings of insecurity and inferiority. At times, such feelings of inferiority and insecurity may alternate with feelings of greatness and omnipotent fantasies. At other times, and only after some period of analysis, do unconsious fantasies of omnipotence and narcissistic grandiosity come to the surface. The presence of extreme contradictions in their self concept is often the first clinical evidence of the severe pathology in the ego and superego of these patients, hidden underneath a surface of smooth and effective social functioning. - Otto Kernberg, Ph.D. "Borderline Conditions and Pathological Narcissism"
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I didn't have any forethought and only brought one book to my sister's house. It was more of a novella really, so now it's finished. I had nothing left to read, but thought I could manage. Today however was the day that the "in-laws", my sister's husband's father, sister, and grandparents came to town from CT for Christmas Eve dinner.
I haven't seen my brother in-law's family since I met them at the wedding - six years ago. The polite small talk was too much to bare - I immediately began tearing the house apart looking for a book to escape to. Of all the books on the bookshelf, they only had ONE book that I would consider lit. The rest was mass-paperback beach reading in a Grisham-Creighton vein. So, the book I chose was "Animal Husbandry" by Laura Zigman. I'm loving it. One of those Bridget Jones/Sex in the City numbers about love and loss for a single NYC girl. The opening paragraph is an excerpt. I figure, if I don't want to listen to the current stories of creaky bones and sore muscles being voraciously traded in the other room, at least I can figure out why men like me treat perfectly good women the way we do. The above is an indication. At least - that's how the author sees it.
I'm writing about all this for two reasons.
1. Escape of the aforementioned small-talk.
2. A recent blog entry of mine concerning my "know-it-all-ness".
I also have a third reason. The book is about a guy and a girl that fall in love, move in together, and then soon after the man leaves. For good. And the author is left wondering why. She uses analogies of Bulls, Old Cows and New Cows to establish the common knowledge that guys want the unobtainable, but once obtained, lose all interest completely. Well, I've had such a relationship, and the book has been bringing up some old feelings.
You see, my last relationship could have been labeled "alter-bound" but we went our seperate ways. I was not the one to do the dumping - but I still harbor feelings of guilt. I think they're because I saw no forseeable future where I even WANTED to be married, but while we were still together I entertained conversations alluding to the contrary. In the end it was her that left, but I still feel that I am destined to fall into the stereotype of Bull perpetually wanting New Cow. And I don't like it. I want to be different from my Bull breathern. Different. Honest.
Can I do it? Yes. Of course. But I still have issues to resolve. The person of which I speak happens to live in the same town I recently moved to. A Bull could careless about a New Cow, when Old Cow is the only one in the pasture. Long story short, I very much want to be strong, but I foresee my weakness of returning to Old Cow. But if I do succumb, when I reach a more stable place, I know that I will then want to desert her that has supported me in exchange for an upgraded model. Following along? Crappy, I know. But that's what it is to be male. Luckily, I'm one of the few males aware of his inheirent shittiness. I can avoid such actions if I so desire. ...and I'm trying. I really am.
But I'll digress for now. All this is much more than you may want to know, and more than I want to tell. The book just got me thinking, and this is what it's about, and I had some small-talk with strangers (read: in-laws) to avoid.
Oh, and concerning my know-it-all-ness - I'm an idiot sauvant. Take no stock in what I say. I'm telling you - the lives of the Amish are far from simple and plain....
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In other news - the holidays trudge on! We're about to eat our grand Christmas Eve feast. Here's a picture of Connor, the nephew, taken a few hours ago. Merry Christmas! 
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