3:04 p.m. - 02.01.2003
Bloody emotional, eh? The Darkside of Amishboy
Just doesn't feel like a day for being funny...well, for much of anything for that matter.
My reactions to things are the same as fussbudget. I have an uncanny instict to smile or crack wise about sad events. It's just my shy, non-confrontational nature I guess. (Except when dealing with facist cops - but none of that today.) Call it a defense-mech.
Few people in my life, thankfully, have past away. In the face of death, I feel uncomfortable witnessing the raw grief of others - I personally am comfortable with my own grief. I smile because, yes, such raw, open feelings of grief in the others around me makes me feel - surreal. I blame TV. Life is fairly mundane, so that when something DOES happen to me, it all seems so - made-for-TV-movie-ish and surreal.
But more importantly, I smile for a greater reason. The normal timetables of grieving don't apply to me. I consider myself to have such a comfort and confidence of myself, such an understanding of my meek place in the larger realm of things, that I am able to grieve and move on instantly. So quickly that, upon hearing the news, my intial reaction to cry at the loss is instantly replaced by a smile and a laugh in celebration of their life and the great memories I have of them. Doubt me if you want. Say it's just a further defense mech.
Like 9-11. That patriotic space of time directly afterwards made me uncomfortable. Patriotism in general makes me feel uncomfortable, because it takes a degree of blind faith, like religion, that just leaves me feeling...uncomfortable.
Singing national songs and anthems and the singing of hymns strike me as oddly similar.
It could also just be my discomfort of group/public singing and reciting in general. The Pledge of Alliegence made me feel funny as well.
Let me add now that I love my country. But I also want to add that amishboy is very well traveled, and a humble american when traveling abroad. Many other peoples of the world are equally uncomfortable with patriotism. Americans are not the norm with our unabashed flag waving and song singing.
But then, are we really? Doesn't it take a national tragedy to envoke those feelings? Where are you patriots during the good times? Like foxhole christians, maybe we're all just foxhole patriots.
Or maybe the larger issue is my general want to steer clear of any hypocrisies in my life. (Okay - the whole amishboy using a computer is a joke. Not a hypocrisy.) So in doing so - I alienate myself from raw emotion. hmmm. who knows. Worth thinking about though....
More on the discomfort of raw emotion:
You may say, 'but amishboy, I see the streets of Middle-Eastern towns packed with flag-waving and song singing.' Yes, but that's religious fundamentalism. Scarily akin to our patriotism. Notice how our patriotism goes hand-in-hand with Western religious ideologies? In God We Trust is stamped on our money for poops sake. God Bless America, et al.
We have such a problem with the Middle-East because we're blind fundamentalists staring across at equally blind fundamentalists, both wondering, "Why are they so blind?"
But I'm not saying anything new here. So it's best I just stop writing.
"But amishboy...what about love? That's a raw emotion. Does it make you feel uncomfortable as well?" Let me pre-empt these remarks by saying that it's different. Amishboy has loved and lost, and it is nothing like religion or patriotism. Well, now that I say it, they have MANY similarities, like worship and contentment - but the ONE they don't have is the grand divider. Proof. Loving, tangible proof. Being in love takes no degree of blind faith on my part. It's an honest emotion. Raw emotions are either honest or blind, and I'm simply uneasy with the blind ones. Tell me your patriotism and religiousness are honest feelings and I will agree with you. Honestly blind.
I love my country, but it's not a true love. There's no tangible proof that Uncle Sam loves me back. Really lop-sided if you ask me. I will defend it, die for it, the whole nine yards. But what does it do for me? Taxes? Absurd laws? More taxes and regulations? If the only answer is defense, I don't really feel grateful for providing me defense from the enemies you created for me.
As for religion, it's like in the movie Contact. Jodie Foster is skeptical of religion. Matthew (I-don't-want-to-spell-it) the love interest asks her, Did you love your father? She says yes. And he asks her to prove it. ..... No proof is necessary. Her father may be gone, but they had actual, physical contact. They loved. They spent real time together. That's the point of the movie really - physical contact.
That's the difference between love and religion. That's why a raw emotion like love dosen't make me uncomfortable.
When I was being raised a young catholic, I felt the things that attract people to religion. I felt like a member of something. Like I belonged. Like I was forgiven. Like I was loved.
And my questions about space, time, and the unknown? "Don't worry about it - it's all a great and beautiful story that one man has seen fit to take care of".
I would sit in mass, and get that feeling of gossebumps you get as a child in church. The same goosebumps you get for the first time in Middle School when Jennifer Riley looks at you, and you realize that it's different than when she looked at you before. There's something BEHIND the look now. Something raw. Something tangible.
Enough. Time to get down off my soapbox. I'm not solving anything here today. .... because you can't.
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