1:55 p.m. - 02.19.2003
Hump day already? But the weekend just ended...
I've just returned from an extra-long weekend. The east coast got a bit of inclement weather pooped on it, so I stayed a few extra days in Raleigh eating and drinking. It's my understanding that portly Henry VIII-look is dead sexy with the ladies these days. I dunno, something about a skinny guy with a gut screams - sex!
I did nothing but watch nonsense tv, so I have nothing to write to you about but nonsense tv. So here goes....
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If you watched the final episode of Joe Millionaire you saw the advert for "Married by America". It's a new....wait for it....reality show on Fox!
It pairs complete strangers together and then marries them on national tv. Ummmmm, riiiight. Is it me, or haven't the Moonies already done this ad nausea? In the 80's no less.
Have the creative juices finally been depleted? Maybe they could spice it up, by having the nuptials to-be fight tennis ball shooting Gladiators. Or stick them on a bus that will explode if it goes below 55mph, and see if they can get off. If they do, viola, they can marry a total stranger of America's choosing! Originality is what I'm selling here.
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Other than that, it was an all Michael Jackson weekend for me. I studied his face all weekend, dissected the interviews, and came up with a new theory about his face, penchant for boys, and all around creepiness.
The key to it all is when he says, "I'm Peter Pan."
To prove it, I've constructed this little comparison chart (I couldn't get it to turn out in color to save my life).
You'll note the elvish nose and eyes he has created. And if you've seen the interviews, his house is covered in Disney peter pan crap. Oh yeah, that's his house NEVERLAND by the way!
He's always having lost boys come over to stay. Never icky girls. And I think it all really is as innocent as he claims. He has no frame of reference for a life based in normalcy. In his interview he talks about getting sexed up in the 70's by a yummy Tatum O'Neal - and being scared out of his mind.
He's a Peter Pan. A terrible, sick, 44 yr old Peter Pan. Steven Spielberg tackled the question of what it would be like if Peter Pan grew up and got old in the inter-stellar hit "Hook". He imagined him in the form of a greedy corporate lawyer, Robin Williams. Spielberg was way off. He's more like a glitter wearing, bed sharing, 44yr old pop star. A shame really... but enough about that.
I just hope MJ doesn't try to climb any flights of stairs by himself anytime soon. Have you seen that nose? He'll hyper-ventilate and die for sure at the first instance of being out of breath. He'll never draw enough air in through that tiny thing.
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I was watching tv, like I said, and is it me, or do all hot women on tv that give out their phone numbers live in the 555 extension area? Where IS this mythical land? OR the area code there at the very least. I randomly dialed some of their 555 numbers - it's not in North Carolina that's for sure.
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Okay - I'm going to talk about myself for real now. This is a "diary" afterall. *Clears throat in a manly, Evan Marriott way* I mean "journal". It's a journal. Not even that really. Just a collection of scribbles on cocktail napkins that I've compiled. But anyway...
I love a good shave. Playing around with facial hair growth helps pass the time, but 'shave time' is equally fun play time.
When I shave, I like to experiment a bit.
Here are some fun facial hair styles to try on yourselves fellas or sundry boyfriends for the ladies:
Mutton Chops - shave everything except for a huge swath of side burns so that they come down and lay on your cheek like pork chops. Essentially the reverse goatee.
The Fu-Manchu - Shave everything save for a small sliver on the end of your chin. Now grow it out to a ridiculous length.
The George Michael - Shave until you have a moustache that extends all the way down on eith side - past the mouth - ending at the chin. This one is not to be worn past the bathroom.
The Mexican - Shave everything but a moustache. Now shave a patch directly below the nose that is exactly one razor blade wide leaving - two moustaches!
The Insecure Balding Jock - a traditional goatee.
The Cop/Fireman - a traditional moustache.
The Major-General - Shave until you have Mutton Chops, but then leave them connected to a moustache.
And then there is my all time favorite, which I am currently sporting, Thinking Hair.
Thinking Hair is a prefectly clean shaven face, save for a small triangular patch directly below the bottom lip.
As it grows in length, the wearer may tug on it while deep in thought, giving the outward appearnce of "thinking". Hence the name, Thinking Hair.
Some may call it the vulgar "flavor saver". They are mindless troglodytes and should be told so directly.
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