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8:12 p.m. - 04.30.2003
Spam It Up
I know that everyone gets spam. In fact I'm sure I've already read about it in your diary. But now it's my turn.

Like most people, I have multiple email accounts. Some of them I'm EXPECTING junk mail to come to because that's why I have them. I use them to register for crap or fill out forms.

But my diaryland email address I set up specifically for this one purpose. I use it for nothing else. Nada. Nichts. Zip. Nothing. And yet, I get more junk sent to this account than any other. Why, I ask, why?!!?!

So basically, I can handle the spam. Unlike my mother. It's nothing to me to recognize spam when I see it and delete it - viola - one button click and it's gone, no harm done.

My mom on the other hand has no concept of junk email. Like everything in life, she takes it all very personally. Where is it coming from? How did they get her address? Who ratted her out? It's all a giant conspiracy for her, so she guards her address now like Fort Knox.

When she bought her new car she couldn't for the life of her understand why they wanted her email address. No kidding, no less than three people had to come and explain that Toyota likes to use it to notify buyers about specials, deals, and more importantly, factory recalls and model maintenance issues. She refused to divulge. These people had her entire credit history in front of them - but they weren't getting that email address by god!

But I didn't come to talk about my freak mother. I'm curious about the nature of spam that I personally receive. Is it me, or is general spam limited to just three basic categories? They are: The Body, Finance, and the Home. These last two are often intertwined.

Now, there are a few more spams that I receive, but these are geared specifically to forms I've filled out so I expect them. These would be emails pertaining to resumes and executing the perfect job hunt. Fair enough - that's my bad. I had those coming. But what about some of these other, non-solicited emails?

Like the ones about my septic tank? Of all the general topics I could be regularly spamed on - septic tanks? Is there a great septic tank problem in this country that I am unaware of? Oh, and that goes hand in hand with home mortgages. Have I made some elite homeowners list somewhere? It would be nice if I have, maybe. (I just can't help but associate "mort"gage with the french word for death.)

Then there are the basic dental and credit spams offering me immaculate teeth with a matching credit rating. How nice!

But what takes the cake is when the size and function of my more "manly" parts comes into question. Did they stop for a second to think that - no - maybe I don't want to "give her more pleasure". If female pleasure is associated with girth, is male pleasure associated with the cavernous ability to accept ample girth?

Anyway - you've read them. You know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the perfect life. The life where I sit back on the porch of my newly remortgaged home, with my impeccable credit, smiling my pearly white teeth at the thought of my airtight resume modeled after my airtight septic system, and relax safe in the knowledge that my fat Hickory Farms Summer Sausage will never leave my wife wanting for more.

Ah, the internet. What can't it do? I've said it before and I'll say it again - 'tis the future - and that's all it wants to give.