2:59 p.m. - 03.14.2003
The Whole Soddy Affair.
Whoo boy! This space is a little dusty. I need to open some windows, uncover the furniture, and get some music ringing through here.
*the sweet sound of a needle cracklin' on vinyl in the background. The dulcimer tone of a-Ha begins*
Good. Much better. Now then - where was I?
So the last few days consisted of much speculating and pacing.
I knew jail time was absurd - but also a micro-possibility, so my worrisome mind couldn't ignore it all together. But I tried to focus on the realistic. The cop would either show or not show. If he showed, I would be found guilty or not guilty. If I was found guilty, I would pay some money I don't have and then have a record that I don't need. But that would be the worst of it.
The day of the trial was an absolutely amazing not-yet-Spring Spring day. A good 75 degrees. Not a cloud in the sky.
I picked up my mother from her hotel, Mikael my witness from his dorm, and we headed to the venue. The venue actually being located at the scene of the crime - how nice.
My lawyer wasn't there yet so we waited in the glorious sun. One by one the jurors showed up. NOT a jury of my peers, to say the least. Then my cheering section showed up in the form of my old housemate Don and my friend The Big Man. We all stood around and debated if the cop would show.
Then the cop drove up and went inside. Then my lawyer showed up and told us all to wait outside a minute. No more than three minutes later he came back out to address me.
Him: How humble do you feel?
Me: .....
Him: Are you willing to go in there and apologize to Officer Vaughn? Kiss a little ass? If so - he's willing to drop the whole matter right now if you let him give you a little lecture.
Me: ......
Him: Sound good to you?
Me: .....
Him: Great. Let's go.
So I took off my surprise eyes and dug out my doe eyes. (I keep some junk in my trunk Mr. Potato-head style for such occassions.)
We walked in past the court room and into a little office where Officer Vaughn was waiting. Oh, BTW, I had ZERO memory of what this guy looked like. Have you ever seen Return of the Jedi? That Hutt dude, Jabba? Yeah, that's who arrested me.
I went straight to Officer Jabba and started blubbering all over him for my rage and anger and my complete sorrow for such nasty habits. (Secretly though, it was a Jedi mind-trick. I didn't really mean those things, but I was making HIS mind think that. Tricky, right?)
The good cop silenced me and beckoned me to sit with him and converse awhile. We sat and low and behold - Jedi mind tricks of his own! Officer V is quite the actor. I found out later he's currently headlining the local production of "You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown!"
He pulled out all these papers and slowly flipped through them, pretending to have the ability to read and comprehend the printed word. He made sure to suck on his disgusting moustache with his lower lip, giving the allusion of being deep in thought - like he may just want to go through with this made-for-TV trail anyway. He asked me some hard-hitting questions (How much did you pay your lawyer? Had you had anything to drink that night? What was your degree in? Does this gun belt make me look fat?) and I answered in kind.
And then out of the blue he said, "Get outta here." And I said, "....." and then ran like the dickens.
I walked out into the now uber-glorious sunny day ( the sweet just ain't as sweet without the bitter) to my family and friends who were waiting outside - their surprise eyes still in place. Actually, they hadn't had time to change them - my exchange with Officer V lasted another two minutes. The whole me-going-to-court ordeal that had been building over the last four months was now 5 minutes old - and over.
Now I just needed to thank my lawyer, maybe pay some court costs, and skip to the nearest bar. But my lawyer didn't come out for another five minutes.
When he came out, apparently Officer V was getting his butt chewed apart by the judge for having this whole nonsense escalate to this point. And that made me sad. Officer V and I had kissed and made up. He was my bro now. And I don't like to see my bros get yelled at. I then put on my cat-that-ate-the-canary eyes because, afterall, I WAS guilty of being ugly to Officer V that night. And being wonderfully, horribly trashed (damn you whiskey, you won again.)
Anyway, it seems Officer V showed up today with every intention of riding this pony all the way to conclusion, but the sight of my witness and cheering section psyched him out. Never underestimate the power of mothers. I hadn't even wanted mine there in the first place, but she insisted that it would look good, and it did.
My lawyer then informed me that there were no court costs, my record would be expunged (no record of even an arrest, yeah! Foreign Service Exam here I come.)
My trial was to be at 1:00. It was now 1:10 so we all skipped to the bars for drinks on my mom. I just woke up a little bit ago.
***
I want to give a "shout out" to my d-land peeps for your kind words and congrats. It means a lut. Tanks.
***
Another shout out to the wonderful lady red. Libraries are that much closer to perfection.
***
I thought over the last few days that I had made up my mind on my post-trial future. It seems my gerbil-like attention span has foiled me again. My choice for new city of residence flip flops daily. I'll keep you posted...
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